


Dear Diary

by Purplemoon153



Series: Diaries of Youtubers [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Character Death, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Diary/Journal, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, No Smut, Pain, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-05 18:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15869679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purplemoon153/pseuds/Purplemoon153
Summary: Diary entries showing Matthew's life spiraling downward. So angst. Much au. Very soulmate.Trigger warning for abuse and self harmSoulmate Au: You can see any mark on your soulmate's body on you. You don't feel any pain that your soulmate does but you will see the wounds on your body.Remember, if you self harm or anything like it please get help.I love you all so much





	1. 1

Dear Diary, 

My mother gave me this for my birthday a number of years ago, but I haven't felt inclined to write in this until now. She has left me with my father today. Cancer finally took her from me.

Father has been more distant, and is coming home drunk every night. I hope he gets better soon. 

~Matthew Patrick


	2. 2

Dear Diary, 

It's been months and if anything father has gotten worse. He yells at me all the times, calling me horrible things.

If I don't do the housework, I'll get punished. That usually in evolves more verbal abuse and his belt.

School starts up again next week so we will see how that goes.

~Matthew Patrick


	3. 3

It has been a little over a week, he has been demanding that I call him 'sir'. He is always either drunk or hungover now. He is spiraling down the slide of alcoholism.

School started. I enjoy learning and all, but the bullies make it hell. This year we are learning about soulmates, seeing as most of us will reach the age that we can contact our soulmates. I bet that is why mother's death is affecting him so much.

Until next time

~Matthew Patrick


	4. 4

I am of age to find my soulmate as of today. I have turned 18.

The bullying has gotten worse. They call me useless, unwanted, ugly, fat, etc. I heard somewhere that cutting yourself helps you feel better, so I might try it. 

He keeps on hitting me. Yesterday he attacked me with a broken beer bottle. I ended with a lot of cuts. I think that they are going to scar. He has begun to starve me. I hope that I make it my next birthday.

~Matthew Patrick


	5. 5

It has been a few weeks since my birthday, and my life has only gotten worse, but on the upside a new boy moved here. I think his name is Nathan.

He locks me in my room most weekends, good thing I have a small ensuite. Every weekday after school I get beat pretty bad. I have more than doubled the amount of scars I had.

School has been particularly hellish. Oftentimes I end up stuck in a locker, it doesn't really matter when or how long, it just happens. Yesterday was particularly bad because of the injuries inflicted the night before. He had taken some broken glass and his pocket knife to my back.

I also have started picking up medical books from the library in order to try and treat my injuries. I know that he won't pay for me to go to the hospital. I found out due to the books that I am severely underweight.

~Matthew Patrick


	6. 6

He has gotten more violent and neglectful in the past few weeks. Ereyesterday he tied me to the stair banister, beat me black and blue, and left me there for another couple hours while he went out and bought more beer. I had to pop my shoulder back into its socket, good thing I have those medical books.

I don't think that I have a soulmate, or if I do they don't care about me. So I've started cutting.

Cuts-9

~ Matthew Patrick


	7. 7

It has been a few days and I think that I need to invest in a first aid kit and some concealer. He doesn't go for the face, but unfortunately the bullies do.

My bullies have gotten more physical recently, but nothing that is any worse than what I've already been through. The verbal abuse is really getting to me, I am thinking about picking up a book on psychology. 

My cutting habit has gotten worse, I have started to carve words into my legs. It has gotten so bad that I am no longer wear short sleeves and shorts.

He has been awful. He lost his job because of his drinking habits. So he is always there when I get home. He has change the basement to much more torture chamber-esque. He binds my wrists together and hangs them onto a hook fixed in the ceiling. Then he gags me and uses me as a punching bag.

Cuts-15

Words-useless, ugly, hopeless, worthless

~ Matthew Patrick


	8. 8

It has been a month, and I am getting quite good at stitching my wounds closed. I have so many scars that I can't count them anymore. 

I am becoming more suicidal day after wretched day. The bullies at school are getting more bold. They have beat me to a pulp almost everyday at school and the things they say. 

School is nothing compared to at home. He treats me like his personal slave or punching bag. It is surprising that he hasn't killed me yet. My body is so frail now because of the starvation diet he forced me that my ribs crack easier than they should.

I can't stop thinking about that boy Nathan. He seems like the least cruel of the people I see. I doubt that he would even notice me. Nobody does unless they are looking for something to take their anger out on anyways.

Cuts-17

Words- unwanted, garbage, an accident

~ Matthew Patrick


	9. 9

Today I found some writing on my my body, it says "please stop." I think that I might have a soulmate, but who would want me. They don't seem concerned about anything else. I'm just a mistake.

I have been growing more suicidal as the days go by. He is getting more careless in his punishments for me. I was stuck over the weekend with a knife in my leg. 

My medical skills are in high demand now. It seems anytime I engage with another human I am hurt in some way. I have stitched myself up so many times that the stitches are starting to look professional.

I have started researching ways to commit suicide. Right now my top choice is overdose.

Cuts-22

Words- dumb, retarded, faggot, mistake, ugly

~ Matthew Patrick


	10. 10

The only thing that is keeping me from committing suicide is that it will probably inconvenience my soulmate, and I already do that too much. I will keep suffering for the soulmate I don't know and doesn't care about me. I haven't received any notes from them since the first one.

I have decided that when I kill myself I will slit my wrists. It might hurt a bit but it sounds better than failing to die. I really haven't been in the best mental state.

He has been threatening me with a gun. He like to point it at me and click the safety on and off. He actually shot it off yesterday, but it hit the wall just over my shoulder. I think that he might get me before I do.

School is same as always, except Nathan Sharp has been paying attention to me, or at least that is what it seems like. Why he would waste his time with a stupid, ugly low-life like me is anyone's guess. I wonder if he has noticed my bruises or cuts?

Cuts: 30

Words: damaged, ugly, broken, useless, worthless, worthless, worthless, worthless.

~Matthew Patrick


	11. 11

Nate is paying quite a bit of attention to me. I wonder if he saw my wounds or if it is something else. Why would someone as gorgeous as him waste his attention on me. There are plenty of pretty girls that like him. Yet he spends time looking at me. I wonder if he is gay or bi? I hope that he is. What am I thinking? Even if he was why would he choose me?

My soulmate seems to care a bit. I have no idea why though. They write little things like "don't hurt yourself" and "why are you so injured?" I kind of hoped that they didn't care about me it would make killing myself easier.

He has been quite violent as of late. I had been left in the basement for a couple hours after passing out from starvation and blood loss. He decided that I was a good target and was throwing beer bottles and knives. He unfortunately has good aim. I spent the last hour pulling knives and bits of glass out of my body. I cleaned out the wounds and stitched up the bigger cuts. I went through a lot of gauze. I will need to restock my first aid kit.

School has been a touch better than it has been, but I still am bullied around the clock there. I never eat lunch at the cafeteria, that place is basically a war zone, but I went there today because I found a kitten on the way to school, and I wanted to feed him. I don't regret going, but I ended up beaten up with food all over my body.

I really like that kitten. I hid him in my room while He beat me. I think that I will call him Skip.

Cuts- 5

Words- worthless, worthless, worthless

~Matthew Patrick


	12. 12

Nathan Sharp actually talked to me today. It was just a few words but this is the first time this school year that anyone said something to me that is not verbal abuse. It really means a lot to me. I wonder what his reasoning was behind it? I guess I'll never know. 

Skip has been the best thing that has happened to me since mom passed away. He is really good at staying out of sight when I don't want to get caught for bring a cat to either school or the house. His purring is very calming to me. I hope that He doesn't find Skip.

Speaking of Him, He has been gone quite a lot, not that I mind. It is actually just the opposite, I celebrate when I am at the house by myself. Internally of course, I would hate to get punished over doing something like that. Whenever He is home he does take to beating me still, like always. I end up bruised all over, with gashes covering my body. 

The bullies are getting far less physical at school, which is a nice break, but I am left wondering why? Why on Earth would they stop something that they have been doing pretty much all year? I'll just add that to my pile of unanswered questions.

Cuts-8

Words- broken, useless

~ Matthew Patrick


	13. 13

He shot me. He really and truly shot me. He had me bound and gagged in the basement. He had somehow managed to get some handcuffs, that really made it hard to move, since he over-tightened them. He was slobbering drunk, raving about how I was nothing but an ungrateful mistake, who he should have killed months ago. He was whipping, kicking, beating, and cutting me. BANG! Then I had a bullet hole in my shoulder. He untied me, and left. I have no idea why.

My first aid kit was in my cell- I mean room. So I had to climb upstairs in my bruised and bloodied state. I heard Him muttering stuff about how something reminded him of mother, as I snuck past him on my way up. I dragged my kit to the bathroom and sat in the tub while I poured rubbing alcohol over my wound. Once I thought it was numb I grabbed a pair of pliers to pull out the bullet still lodged in my shoulder. That took a good ten minutes. After I pulled it out I grabbed a needle and thread, and stitched it closed. I wrapped some gauze around it and called it good.

Luckily throughout my entire ordeal, Skip was outside and nowhere near Him. I hope he is okay right now. I haven't seen him since I stepped through my front door.

Cuts-5

Words- mistake, accident

~ Matthew Patrick


	14. 14

Matthew Patrick was on his way to class, walking through the crowded halls try not to get noticed. He stopped by his locker just to grab a few textbooks. He tried to finish using it before anyone decided to push him in and slam the door. Unfortunately just as he closed the door one of his many bullies showed up.

"Hey, you useless piece of garbage." 

"Hello, Blake, what do you want?"

"Just this-" Blake punched Matthew right in the face. Blake was chuckling at Matthew's now fallen form. 

Soon other bullies came up to Matthew, but nobody else in the hall seems to care. He was getting punched and kicked all over his body. Some kid had the bright idea to grab his shoulder. The same shoulder that had been shot the night before. Matthew knew that had to have pulled out a few stiches, while he cried out in pain. Blood was now leaking from his wound through the gauze wrapped around it and his shirt and jacket. 

Matthew was blacking out just as he saw something or someone rushing towards his calling his name. He couldn't figure out who it was before he was lying on the floor unconscious.


	15. 15

Dear Matthew,

Oh where to begin with you. Right know you are in the hospital, since I saw you lying in the hall pale as death. I called 911 since you were lying in a pool of your own blood. Seriously what happened, oh wait I think I know. Those bullies got to you again, I am so sorry for not helping.

Those bullies didn't cause all the injuries on your body, did they. I bet He did this. Yes, I know this is what you call him, and I am sorry that I read your journal, but holy hell Matt. Why is this happening to you, and why do you injure yourself? You don't deserve it. You of all people definitely don't deserve it.

You are perfect. Now I know that you won't believe it, but it's true. You are so nice to everyone even your bullies, and not only that you're smart, like wicked smart. Although I know that your smile is fake, it is still beautiful. That hair though, it seems out of control, and yet perfectly styled. You are a beautiful man inside and out. 

I love you.

~Nathan Sharp (Your Soulmate)


	16. 16

So, you are still in the hospital. I worried. I ask the staff what's going on with you, but they won't tell me anything because I'm not family or dating you. Things were fine and then all of a sudden you back in surgery. I hope you will be okay. I don't even know if you will this or my previous message. 

I know that I didn't get to really know you, but we're connected. I should have stopped them, then you wouldn't be here. I am such a coward. I am so so sorry, I should've been better.

~Nathan Sharp


	17. 17

Nathan was anxiously awaiting any news on Matthew. The hospital forced him go home, promising to contact if there was any change in Matthew's state. 

He had started pacing back and forth in his hall, worried about his soulmate. He didn't even know Matt all that well, but now he was losing sleep over the bruised brunette in the hospital. Nate was regretting not doing anything to help, not standing up for the smaller boy who was bullied by the entire school. That was just unfair. What could one kid do to earn the hatred of a whole school.

He was mid internal rant berating himself and his school when he got the call.

Matthew Patrick had died.


	18. 18

I am so sorry. Matthew Patrick I should have done better. I should have treated you better you didn't deserve any of what people did to you. You were a perfect lovely person. I wish I could have seen it earlier, but it took you fainting in a hallway to get me to notice.

I was scared. I was bullied at my old school, the only person who cared about me was my sisters Morgan and Christine. They are now in college and I couldn't stand the thought of dealing with bullying without them. The kids at school just warned me away from you and I believed them. You were hurting, someone should have stopped it. 

I shouldn't be making excuses. I wish I was better, braver, bolder, but all I can do is wish. It is to late now. I'm rambling, I guess I should wrap this up. 

Matthew Patrick, you were perfect, and deserved the most loving family and friends.

Goodbye.


End file.
